I haven't been able to get myself to sit down and start writing. That's nothing new, and the major problem that has plagued me for as long as I've wanted to write. I have a lack of discipline in general, an writing in particular, and I've never handled the stresses that life throws at all of us very well. My typical response to stressful input is to go find something fun to do, which usually results in me playing a video or board game, watching a movie, or finding someone to do one of those things with.
Even reading has become a thing I have to be disciplined about. There are so many available options for entertainment that if I'm not paying attention, I can easily go a week or more without picking up a book or my kindle. Fortunately, with reading I've built a habit of doing it every night before bed, even if I'm dead tired. It is very rare that I skip reading for at least five or ten minutes before falling asleep, often with book in hand.
I have yet to build that habit with writing. I get on small streaks, like the one you saw late last year, and then something happens and I go into full shutdown mode. Part of it is definitely the stress that occurs and my habitual response of seeking comfort and fun. Writing, you see, is still in the "work" category in my brain, even though I enjoy doing it. It is not a default activity for stress relief, nor a routine daily activity. It falls by the wayside and low on my pleasure center's priority list as soon as the slightest disturbance in the force occurs.
This time it was the puppy in November, then the holidays, then the election, which stressed me more than I was aware of. I spent a lot of time paying attention to news and social media, not to mention energy, which is something I almost never do. Then it was work stress, and finally a job change. I think I mentioned it last blog, but I went back to my old job this week, just to get some stability back and alleviate some of the stress I was feeling. That's ironic, considering my old (and new) job was always one of my stressors, but sometimes you need a little time away to realize what you have and what you are missing.
The truth is, my biggest stress is not writing. I think about it every day, even when I'm so far away from it that it seems like I might never write again, and it bothers me. It hurts my soul.
I watched the Netflix movie, "Sylvie's Love," with Meg the other night, and there's a scene where they are talking about life and the choices we make. The boy in the story, Robert, describes how he made a decision after his mother died. He says, "It made me realize that life's too short to waste time on things you don't absolutely love." Sylvie responds, "But how do you know? If you love something absolutely, I mean?" Robert thinks for a moment, then answers, "I don't know. I guess when it's the only thing that matters."
That's a damn good answer, and the best way I've ever heard to describe how I feel about writing. It's the only thing that matters, and has been for a very long time.
I have to continue to eliminate distractions, the games and movies and comforts that I seek, and continue to drive towards a life of writing, reading, and loving what I do. This is not about people, or spending time with Meg, with friends an family. Those are important things that I will never eliminate. But I have to build a writing habit, have to make it a priority, and I need to put everything else away until I do. It's not easy. It's like taking a child's security blanket away. My brain tells me it doesn't want me to, that it hurts, that I'll have no way to cope with stress. But I will. It just won't be what I've always done. It will be what I've always wanted to do.
In an effort to actually move in the direction of writing and get unstuck, so to speak, I've signed up for the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge 2021 on nycmidnight.com. It starts tonight at 11:59 p.m. Each participating writer is assigned a genre, subject, and character, and has eight days to write an original short story of up to 2500 words. Each group of writers (I don' know how many are in each group) will be judged, and the top five will be chosen to move on to round two, where they will write another, slightly shorter, story. There are a total of four rounds if you make it all the way through. I figure this is a good way to get myself moving with an actual assignment and deadline, not to mention a random three part writing prompt.
I won't start at midnight. There's no way I'll be awake. I'll wake up tomorrow morning as normal, check my email to get my prompts, and go from there. At the latest, I'll start Sunday morning, after a full day of letting my brain play with the ideas.
That's a story in a week. The week after, contest or no, I'll write another. And so on. That's the plan. Now please excuse me while I get another cup of coffee and put away some more of these distracting toys.
See you tomorrow.
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Sorry for the length today. That tends to happen when I need to work my way through something. Thanks for listening.
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